Dearest Zo:  Month Four


Looking back over the months that have passed, I’m curious how I ever lived life without you.  You are the single most fascinating creature I have ever had the priviledge to hold.  Trite, I know, every Mom says that about thier babe.  But every day I see you grow more and more in love with your father and I and I wonder how I ever felt happiness without your presence.

Somehow, I made the most perfect human. I am not sure what I did to be gifted this opportunity to be your Mom. Whatever it was, I am thankful.  

I have several months to catch up on, I know.  One day, you’re going to be a woman.  You are going to be faced with so many options in life, one of which will be considering to have a child.  I don’t want my aging memories to fail you in some way, to deprive you of the ups and downs of what it means to be a mother.  You also shouldn’t feel obligated, in any way, to be anything you don’t want to be.

See, I never thought that motherhood was an option for me.  I had my share of biological issues that led myself and my medical care teams to believe that this was not a possibilty.

Never give up on your dreams, sweet Zo.  Sometimes dreams are actualized in the strangest ways imaginable.

But, I digress… Happy FOUR month birthday, my love!

This month you have developed into this inquisitive child that is super motivated to do all of the things with limited capabilities to actually do all of the things.  Grandma sends you toys on the regular, your favorite being the little tri-lingual piano that plays music occasionally and states your 1, 2, 3’s in English, Spanish, and French.  Your mother’s French is lacking in so many ways.  You do find great joy in mommy going “Two, Dos, DURRRRRRT.”  Baby, this is why the French hate us Americans.

Your tummy time on the Skip Hop Alphabet Mat has been a continuous source of joy in our home.  You are a master!  As you get older, you’re finding the different textures of the mat and investigating them as though they are an unknown mystery that has never been unlocked.  The process is intriguingly captivating.  Every time you find something new in the world, I feel things a little bit differently.  Your curiosity is infectious. 

I am so proud of you, Little Zo!

Even as young as you are, you’re already sitting up on your own accord and mastering toys meant for children months ahead of you in age.  The Exersaucer has been a constant source of entertainment for all of us in the house.  The crab in your Exersaucer is encased in a cage of plastic.  You somehow have been endeared by this little creature and desire it so.  As you make your rounds among the toys, you are continually drawn to this little crab like a moth to the flame.  Your inquisitive nature is fascinating.

Must.Catch.Crabby.  Never stop the desire to free the things you love.  

That damn enclosed crab might teach you more than I will when it comes to desire.

I am afraid we might be spoiling you.  Your mother (that’s how I refer to myself when I feel that I’m a crap mom) is not a fan of making you want for anything.  Dad is equally (if not moreso) to blame in this as it is ingrained in his soul to feel like a failure if you are not perpetually happy.

I hope I can eventually teach you patience and tolerance for things you cannot change.

Speaking of, you’re starting the initial stages of teething time. This has been an interesting adventure in our home.  By “interesting adventure,” I really mean I want to sleep.

You used to sleep so well before I went back to work and you started your path towards “big kid teeths.”

It’s really not that bad, you’ve only made me cry a handful of times.  I feel so helpless at times because all I want to do is appease you and reclaim that gorgeous smile on your face.  But alas, there are times you are inconsolable and all I can hope for is that you can sense that my hugs and kisses mean that I’ll always be there to comfort and love you in these times of need.

It’s a thankless art, being a Mom. Remember, that the art of giving is more fulfilling than a life of taking.  Your laughter reminds me of that

Dad and I are trying so hard to figure this dynamic out.  We have had a few fights that are completely uncharacteristic of our relationship.  The truth is, your father is amazing.  We have been juggling a seemingly impossible schedule in attempt to spend as much time with you as possible.  There are nights Daddy gets home from work at 3 a.m. and is ready to love on you by 7 a.m. so Mom can get to work.

When you’re older, and hate on us for reasons only you will have, just know that we are doing our best to do right towards you.  Talk to us.  We will listen.  It’s the glue that has held us together, as a FAMILY, thus far.

It is with a heavy heart that I have decided to source daycare for you to allow for Daddy and I to pursue our dreams.  I feel as though it is unfair to you, Little Zo, to have to share our attention with our careers and business ventures.  Starting in September, you will be placed in the care of one sweet Mum Zee.  She is everything I could ever hope for in a care provider.  I believe, in her care, you will find a continuation of our love in her home.

Damn, daycare is expensive.

On August 11 we celebrated you and Daddy’s birthday at our home.  Daddy turned 42 (and now is the answer to everything in the universe… if you don’t know what that means by the time you read this… we failed you as parents) and you turned 4 whole months!  It warmed Mommy’s heart to introduce you to several of our biggest supporters.  Uncle Gonzo, Aunt Heather, and Donovan arrived first to the scene.  They were followed by Angela and her boyfriend Jeff, Nikki, Ethan, and our buddy Dave.  Mommy failed at fully cooking all of the things she wanted to, however, the love and 80’s music video marathon fully made up for her shortcomings.

Mommy’s kind of a crap hostess.  I apologize in advance for all of your failed birthday parties.

At this point, I feel like I am doing you an injustice by not explaining all of the horrible things that are happening in the world right now.  I will reserve all of these emotions for later when I have the emotional bandwidth to delve into current events.

Let’s just say, you’re loved.  We will continue to fight for the fundamental rights you, as a woman and a human being, are entitled to at birth.  I will never stop fighting for you Little Zo.

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